Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Zombeavers

The best part of Zombeavers (2014) is when it's over. That's less snarky than it sounds. During the closing credits, a lounge lizard sings about the titular creatures, including such howlers as "Don't board up the windows, won't do any good. These furry brown bastards chew right through the wood" and "Look out, they're coming through the walls. Your girlfriend's chewing off your balls." The credits also include the standard disclaimer about how no animals were harmed during the production of the movie, but it adds that the bear did receive a purple nurple (not that the bear looked real).

If only I could quote the rest of the song, I think we'd all be better for it. Not only is the song the best thing about the movie, it perfectly summarizes the plot of Zombeavers, covering every major plot point in a fraction of the time and with substantially more wit. What? You thought that line about the girlfriend chewing on balls was just thrown in for giggles?

A review of Zombeavers is pointless. The concept is so thin, so stupid, you'll either find it hysterical or you won't. It takes all the cliches and plot points of college kids going off to a cabin in the woods for a weekend of debauchery and running into monsters and throws in one of the strangest of monsters: zombie beavers. Beavers turned into zombie by toxic waste. Why zombie beavers as opposed to, I don't know, any other animal? So they could call the movie Zombeavers, I guess.

The zombie beavers themselves are very hokey looking, but that's kind of the charm. Even before they become zombified, they aren't real. They're clearly puppets, so we never actually see them chase anybody. They just sort of pop out from behind things or stand around in place, and in one scene seemingly inspired by "The Raft" segment of Creepshow 2, they swim. Other times, their presence is suggested by that durable genre standby, the point of view shot, and also with glowing green eyes in the dark, straight out of a cartoon. Later, their living human victims begin transforming, growing giant buck teeth, large, flat tails. and long claws. I'm not sure of the science behind this infection, but whatever.

All this kind of funny but not enough for a recommendation. In a movie this short, not even scraping the 80-minute mark, it's an awful long time before the zombeavers go on their rampage and start eating people. Before that, it's a lot of boring relationship drama and obnoxious characters getting drunk and saying and doing the outrageous things that college kids do (an old neighbor has a hilarious line about, "It's probably those college kids scissoring each other to that Lady Gaga music."). It's like get on with it; I want to see the zombeavers.

The movie is crude and bloody. The zombeavers use their big teeth to tear out bloody chunks of their victims, the dialogue has a lot of four-letter words and explicit remarks, and there's plenty of nudity. I'm saying this to be a prude; I'm just stating what the movie has. The movie has its share of jokes about beavers and a certain part of the female anatomy that shares that terminology (just look at the poster). It's kind of amusing but like the rest of the movie, mostly forgettable.

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